Looking back, I realize that sometimes in my desperate moments, I would ask for help, and when I did, I'd hear this soft, wise voice with just a few, very, profound words that would re-direct me.

I had begun to realize that the emotion my children would trigger in me was pointing me in the direction I needed to go to do some healing. Eventually, I realized that my best parenting class was to go inward and re-parent some parts of myself. From there I was able to make better parenting choices.

I realized that I had been blaming Andy for how I was feeling and punishing him for it. He was pushing my buttons because I had them-he was actually showing me where my buttons were. In fact, he was presenting me with an opportunity to heal my buttons! He didn't consciously know that, he was just being Andy, but that's what was really happening. I began to refer to Andy as "the-one-I-grow-the-most-with." As I took advantage of my opportunities to heal and grow, my relationship with Andy changed from one of butting heads, to one of incredible love and gratitude.

Parenting Outside The Box

Once I realized my power struggles were opportunities for growth and healing, I never disciplined again. I realized that traditional discipline was damaging and ineffective. There is no growth and no healing that comes from discipline. The only thing for the child to learn is to "not do it again to avoid punishment" or "do it behind my parents' backs in the future so I don't get caught." Unconsciously, the parent who punishes is setting the example: do whatever it takes to win a power struggle. Sometimes boundaries need to be re-set when a parent realizes the child has been given more freedom than they are capable of handling, but when communicated in this way, it is presented as a learning experience for both parent and child rather than a punishment for the child.

I hadn't realized that there were opportunities for me to be a student when I took on the responsibility of parenting. This realization was very humbling and from here my entire approach to parenting changed.

Communication Versus Dictatorship

A lesson that I learned, early on, from Andy was the art of communication. When Andy would ask me if he could have or do something and I would say "no," he would continue to pester me-relentlessly, I might add. From there, I learned that the "maybe" response would get him off my back for a while. He figured that out real quick. My parents, like most of their generation, would dictate with the "no, because I said so," response. So this was all I had to go by. What I eventually learned from my relationship with Andy was that if I gave him a sufficient reason for my "no" response, he would accept it and let it go. Dictators demand respect. Communicators respect and are respected.

What children really want is for us to explain to them the thoughts and feelings that fuel our decisions. This requires the parent to get in touch with their thoughts and feelings. Children, in this way, are requiring that we become conscious. An out-of-the-box parent is learning the importance of checking in with themselves-asking themselves why they are saying "no." What are the feelings that are fueling my choice and what are the thoughts that crossed my mind in the process of coming to my decision?

This communication process not only teaches children about decision making, it also teaches parents to make more conscious choices. "No, because I said so" doesn't teach much of anything, and leaves the child to come to their own conclusion of why not. That conclusion could be anything from: because they don't love me which must mean that I'm not worth loving, I don't deserve to have any fun, I'm not worth the time it takes to give an explanation, or I'm not important. If it happens enough, the child will take the false belief with him and it will negatively impact him until he goes in, heals and changes it. These beliefs often surface as discord in adulthood.

So save yourself and your child some trouble and aggravation. Take the time to discover and then to explain the reasons why you say "yes" and "no." You and your child will both benefit from your efforts. Loving communication builds positive self-esteem and teaches decision-making skills.

Teaching Children To Love Themselves Versus Pleasing The Parents 

The greatest gift a parent can give to their children is to teach them to love themselves. A child who loves herself will be a magnet for love. Since you can't be with your children twenty-four seven, knowing that your child has learned to love herself can be a tremendous comfort. This still won't guarantee that they will love themselves all the time. Realistically neither do you, but you can hope that it will be a more natural behavior than pleasing others.

In order to teach your children to love themselves, a parent must learn to love him or herself first. When you put your needs and desires on the back burner, in other words, sacrifice as a parent, you are not loving yourself, and this is what you are teaching your children by your example. And remember, the intention for everyone's needs to be met is a very important part of the process of learning to love yourself.

Many parents desire for their children to please them and reward them for doing so. This does not teach self-love. This teaches the child to please others when they desire to feel loved and accepted. If you teach them to please you, they will please their girlfriends, boyfriends, teachers, and basically anyone whose love and acceptance they desire. A child who loves herself is much less likely to make self-destructive choices. And when a child loves herself, she is much less likely to make choices that are hurtful toward others.

Learning to love yourself is a life-long commitment that many people have trouble valuing. In-the-box parents find it much easier to spend their money on private schools and extracurricular activities. These are "socially acceptable" institutions in which to invest. Learning to love yourself usually falls into the "therapy" category if you are in-the-box. Those in-the-box may judge a parent or child who seeks some kind of counsel as a family that doesn't have it all together.

Someone out-of-the-box would look at a parent seeking help for themselves or their child as a responsible, genuine, courageous parent with their priorities in tact. Not that private schools and extracurricular activities are bad, but that emotional needs are, at least, equally valuable. From the in-the-box perspective, a parent looks good when their child goes to private school or is involved in extracurricular activities and appears less than if they or their child are in therapy. Fortunately this old destructive, distorted, perception is changing even in-the-box.

When a child is hanging with a less-than-desirable crowd it is likely that they are feeling less-than-desirable themselves. Teaching them to love themselves and to explore the reasons for their choices will be more effective than merely forbidding them from hanging with their friends. It will also be important for the parents to explore what they are judging as less-than-desirable and why.

Teaching children to love themselves doesn't guarantee that they will act perfectly. It does mean that they will be more accepting, understanding, forgiving and compassionate and attract more of the same. A child who loves herself can more easily set healthy boundaries for herself and make healthier choices than a child who seeks love from others. There is no search for approval necessary when you approve of yourself.

Empowering Parenting Versus Disempowering Parenting

When children are given clear boundaries, and within those boundaries the practice of decision-making and being responsible is encouraged and supported, you are empowering them. A child who is shamed for making a poor choice has been disempowered. When a child feels remorse over a decision they have made, and then is further shamed by the parent for their decision, the parent has just added insult to injury.

When a child makes a less-than-desirable choice, it is preferable for them to be handled with compassion rather than disgust. A parent who takes their child's less-than-desirable choice personally, won't be able to be sincerely compassionate until they explore the reasons why they have taken the situation personally. In shaming the child, the parent is dumping blame onto their child rather than responding to the reasons why they are feeling adversely impacted by a child who is learning to make decisions.

Andy, "the-one-I-grew-the-most-with" Whynot, decided that the teachers were giving too much homework in seventh grade. The boundaries we had set were that Andy's schoolwork was his responsibility. We were there if he needed help, but it was clear to him that his job was that of student and the job responsibility was homework and studying. We always made it clear to our children that their grades were for them and not to please us. I suspected that Andy hadn't been doing all of his homework. My gut was telling me that this was a learning opportunity for him and that I needed to trust his process. I felt like my gut was really suggesting that I step out on a limb here because most parents I knew were sitting at the kitchen table with their children to ensure that homework not only got done, but got done correctly.

When Andy got the report card that reflected his choice to selectively do homework, he felt such remorse that it was easy to turn the situation into a learning experience. He expressed that he hadn't seen the reasoning behind doing homework that was meant to review something he already understood. And you know, I had to admit that he had a point. Andy hadn't taken into consideration that homework assignments were factored into his final grade. Once he realized that, he had a reason to do his homework. Doing it just because the teacher said so wasn't a good enough reason for Andy, and I have to say that I had admiration for his thought process. 

As a parent, it is important to hold the space for a child to feel their remorse. When the parent is compassionate and calm, the child feels safe enough to explore what they have done and why they have done it with the parent. In this space, they can forgive themselves, learn and grow. When handled in this way, the child will emerge from the situation with more wisdom, understanding and compassion.

A parent who is angered or disappointed by a child's choice can't hold the space for remorse; a parent who is angered or disappointed shames the child into making better choices in the future. A child who has been shamed will withdraw or get defensive. Their withdrawal can be confused with remorse, but it really is shame. Their defensiveness can be confused with the appearance that they don't care, but the child is really attempting to defend their self-esteem in most cases.

Teens can often appear to not care. I picture them with a protective, crusty exterior they have developed due to years of being shamed. That crusty exterior is protecting the fragile, sensitive flame of their spirit. An in-the-box parent may continue to shame the child in an effort to break his protective barrier. Shaming a child is spiritual abuse-abuse to their spirit. No one creates a protective barrier because they feel safe. Andy had practiced making a decision within his boundaries and experienced the repercussions of his choices. He learned to better gather his information prior to making decisions in the future and that C's didn't feel so good. He was learning to think for himself versus doing what he was told just because someone said so. Learning to think for himself was a very valuable learning experience-one that will stay with him for the rest of his life. Many parents have lost sight of the fact that there is a lot more to be learned from school than merely academics.

My desire for my children was always that they be happy and successful. Andy has since gone on to continue practicing conscious decision-making, which has led to his enjoyment of academic pursuits and a career in research. Who knows what would have happened if I had been an in-the-box parent who sat with him at the kitchen table to be sure he did his homework. It is common for the in-the-box parent and the out-of-the-box parent to have the same aspirations for their children. The means to the end is where they differ.

Conclusion

I think it's safe to say that we've all been an "Andy," and had someone be an "Andy" to us at one time or another. From in-the-box, they can be experienced as fingernails on a chalkboard and from out-of-the-box, they can be experienced as a treasure chest rich with opportunities for growth and healing. All of my children have been phenomenal teachers on my spiritual journey. I am so grateful for their contributions toward my becoming who I am today.

There is an incredible level of love and acceptance in a family that responds to their feelings rather than blaming those who trigger them. When you can love and accept yourself, you don't need others to change so you can be comfortable.

When you find yourself in judgment, someone is pushing your buttons, or you are in some way triggered emotionally, ask yourself "why?" rather than blaming them or needing them to change so you can be comfortable. Your wounded self can only consider your needs. Your gut-intuition considers the needs of everyone involved. When everyone feels loved in the end, you know your inner guidance has been involved in the decision-making.

Even unconscious parents have gifts for us, and can eventually be seen through eyes of compassion. This doesn't mean that you must condone their behavior, but remember, no one just randomly shows up in your life. Sometimes you are being gifted with an opportunity to re-visit times in your childhood when you were hurt by an unconscious wounded parent, and sometimes you are being presented with an opportunity to become aware of times when ignorance has fueled your own behavior. We've all been the abused and the abuser. We've all been hurt by the pain of others and hurt others with our pain when ignorance has fueled the choice that was hurtful. We've all been hurt by someone having an unconscious moment and hurt someone in our own unconscious moments, and sometimes the person we hurt has been ourselves.

Are you "Out" or are you "In?"

If you answer, "yes" to the first scenario you are parenting out-of-the-box. If you answer, "yes" to the second scenario you are parenting in-the-box.

1. Children learn more from what you do than from what you say. Do I walk my talk or do I practice do as I say, not as I do?

2. Do I know how to truly love myself, and if so, do I put that knowledge into practice or do I try to get my children to love me?

3. Do my children have clear boundaries within which they can explore and practice age appropriate decision-making or do I tell them what to do and how to do it, and get aggravated when they make poor choices?

4. Do I find joy in seeing my children joyful or am I irritated when my children are acting silly or laughing too loud ( like children)?

5. Do I take time to explain how I came to my decision or do I use my own version of "because I said so?"

6. Do I respect myself and have children who reflect this or do I lack respect for myself and demand it from my children?

7. Do I motivate my children to make good decisions with encouragement, love and support or do I motivate them out of fear of punishment and shame if they make a mistake?

8. Do I empower my children or do I shame them?

9. Do I see myself as the leader of a team (my family) whose goal, when conflict arises, is for everyone to feel loved in the end or do I find myself in power struggles with my children, trying to come out the winner, and hence they come out the losers?

10. Do I acknowledge that I have inner guidance and request its assistance when faced with a challenge or does my wounded self do the parenting in challenging situations?

11. One of a parent's greatest fears is that their adolescent will do what they did. Have I learned to love my own inner adolescent or am I trying to control my adolescent's behavior so I won't have to re-visit my own?

12. Do my parenting choices prepare my children and give them the confidence necessary to leave the nest or do my parenting choices unconsciously strip my children of their self-esteem so they will feel inadequate, need me and stay close?

13. Do I give my children boundaries because I love them or give them lots of freedom in an effort to get them to love me?

14. Do I recognize and acknowledge when my wounded self has hurt my children or do I stand justified for my hurtful actions?

15. Do I recognize when my child's wounded self hurts me and acknowledge that they might be in pain and need some help or do I just punish them for their hurtful words or actions?

16. When hurt with my child's pain do I explore the pain within myself that was touched upon or blame them for bringing it up?

When one parent's in-the-box, they give responsibility for how they desire to feel to their child and then try to control them in order to get their desired outcome. If you were hurt by your parents' unconscious pain and held accountable for how they were feeling, this is what you learned and this is what you will do. You may do your own version of what they did, or you may hurt yourself rather than others, but this is why abuse repeats itself. In valuing yourself enough to heal, grow and learn to love yourself, you break the old patterns and create new ones that teach love and value. On the surface, parenting in-the-box may look like the easier path. It is the most familiar path for sure, but I'll let you decide which is easier and more rewarding for all concerned in the end.