Yet many of us want to forgive. We know from experience that forgiving feels better than hating and hurting. We want to express our generosity and compassion. But we don't really understand what forgiveness is and is not.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean martyrdom. Forgiveness does not guarantee trust or reconciliation. After forgiveness, we shouldn’t continue getting abused or betrayed or used or mocked or insulted. We can forgive and also say no. We can forgive and file for divorce.

Here are four major myths of forgiveness, followed by four useful truths:

Myth #1: I should only forgive if they apologize.

Without apology, contrition, reparations, promises of reform, or at least guarantees of sincerity on the part of the wrongdoer, it’s tough to forgive. We wait for the wrongdoer to do something right for a change. How long should we wait?

Not too long. Forgiveness should not be used as a bargaining chip to control someone who misbehaved. We shouldn’t relinquish control like that. Otherwise, we leave our forgiveness -- our peace of mind -- in their hands.

Myth #2: If I forgave, I'd be letting that person off the hook.

Forgiveness and justice are separate issues. You can forgive someone and still press charges. If you want to prevent them from hurting others, lock the door to the jailhouse, or to your own house. But keep the doors to your heart open.

Myth #3: Offering forgiveness implies that what the other person did was okay.

To condone is to excuse, tolerate, overlook, disregard, trivialize, or minimize an offense. But when someone is considering forgiveness, they’re doing so precisely because they do not excuse or minimize the offense, and do not perceive it to be trivial. The behavior was wrong, stupid, insensitive, hurtful, or criminal -- otherwise, forgiveness would not be necessary.

Myth #4: I've probably already forgiven him.

Maybe. But many of us fool ourselves into thinking we have forgiven when we haven't. I did this with the man who molested me. I told him "I think I have already forgiven you" long before I had explored my own feelings, or the consequences of the abuse, or even exactly what had happened. I wanted to leapfrog over the process, avoid any conflict, and arrive at that comfortable place of resolution: It’s all over now. It's tempting to pretend the incident didn’t really matter. But you can’t go directly from "nothing bad happened" to "I forgive you" -- because in that case there would be nothing to forgive for.

Here are some useful ways to think about forgiveness:

Truth #1: Forgiveness is a choice.

We can’t necessarily forgive just because we want to, but even asking the question Might I forgive? We can open possibilities. We can also choose not to forgive. Framing it as a choice brings it to a conscious level.

Truth #2: Forgiveness is empowering.

Many of us believe that our own happiness cannot be achieved until someone comes crawling to us on hands and knees, or learns their lesson, or promises to be different. But our happiness is not really dependent upon the behavior of other people. The forgiver changes her focus from "if only they would" to "I wonder if I could..."

Truth #3: Forgiveness is a skill. 

Like shooting basketballs through a hoop, it gets easier with practice. Some people recommend practicing first on the easy stuff: forgiving a grumpy child, an incompetent receptionist, a nosy neighbor. But sometimes the "hard stuff" becomes the training ground because it demands attention. Either way, the key, as with any skill-building process, is practice.

Truth #4: Forgiveness is a sixth stage of grief.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance as the five stages of grieving (or dying, or loss). Forgiveness is what you do when acceptance is not enough, when you’ve lost something important -- a relationship, a dream, a self-image, a physical ability -- and you still feel empty or bitter inside. You start forgiving the other person for having died or having left you or having injured you. Forgiveness completes the grieving process, allowing you not only to "move on," but to become stronger and more loving.

I did successfully forgive the man who molested me, and it changed me. All of my anger at him is gone. All of my sense of victimization is gone. I don't even identify as a "sexual abuse survivor" anymore; the experience no longer defines me. I've moved on to forgiving other people: my parents, my colleagues, my friends, myself. Forgiveness has become a daily practice, a way of life. It's not easy, but it's rewarding. Here's the best part: When you forgive, your heart opens. Then you have an open heart, instead of a clenched fist where your heart belongs.

Email our friend, Mariah Burton Nelson, to tell her how much you have enjoyed her articles on OfSpirit.com: Mariah@MariahBurtonNelson.com

____________________

Mariah Burton Nelson
Author/Athlete/Professional Speaker
The Unburdened Heart: 5 Keys to Forgiveness and Freedom (Harper SF 2000)
2909 North 24th Street
Arlington, VA 22207-4914
703/276-8323 (ph); 703/276-8728 (fax)
Mariah@MariahBurtonNelson.com
www.MariahBurtonNelson.com

___________________ 

Mariah Burton Nelson is the author of The Unburdened Heart: Five Keys to
Forgiveness and Freedom (Harper San Francisco 2000). She can be reached at
Mariah@MariahBurtonNelson.com.